I’m feeling a lot of emotions today. Maybe I feel that some things need to be felt and released before leaving Nepal. I feel sad and scared. Something is ending, and something is beginning.
You can guess which is making me sad, and which is making me scared. I’m sad to leave Nepal because I feel safe here, and my life here is very simple.
It’s more than just the daily routine we’ve built, which is bringing me comfort, that I’m afraid to leave. My days are predictable here. I also don’t have much new stuff I can do for work, since I’m waiting for a quieter recording environment and a new microphone.
It’s a shift from introspection and self-reflection to sharing more and becoming more visible to the world. I have a desire to be seen more fully, but also incredible fear.
I was talking with my girlfriend this morning (or was it yesterday morning? It’s hard to tell because our days have been feeling so similar lately). We were talking about many different subjects, and something about our stream of consciousness sharing gave me an insight I used to look for quite often, and, lately, forgot I was searching for.
I realized the role I play in my channeled writing is very nurturing, but my fear is that, if I become more well-known, I’ll be expected to be nurturing in that same way to everyone, all the time. That sounds exhausting!
I love the soothing words I share when doing channeled writing, and it makes my heart so happy to share them, but I can’t play that role of nurturing people’s dreams all the time.
There is a part of me that is equally important, which doesn’t want to bring the same energy that I share through my channeled writing.
I used to think the goal was to become fully embodied, so there is no difference between how I show up in my career and in my personal life. But my opinion has changed.
I need to feel and nourish both my Ego and Soul. These two essential parts of myself crave different forms of expression.
Before, I had this idea that my spiritual journey was about surrendering my Ego and becoming one with my Soul.
Now I see my journey as learning to love my Ego, and seeing that there is already wholeness in the combination of my Ego and Soul as they already are, right now.
If this sounds too abstract, I’ll make it simple. I need to have clear boundaries that separate my work and personal life. I also need to make sure I create a life that meets the needs of both my Ego and Soul.
For me, my priority must be loving my Ego, not because it’s more important, but because it doesn’t come as naturally for me.
I’ve ignored my Ego’s needs for too long, subconsciously thinking that I was more pure on my spiritual journey for doing so. But not anymore.
I love my Ego very, very much! And I’m listening and responding to his needs, making sure that he feels fully supported and taken care of.
Love,
Eric
