The other night, my girlfriend and I watched the movie Jay Kelly, and it made me think a lot about what it means to know who I am.
I talk a lot about self-love in my writing, and already I’ve talked about it a bit in my journal entries, because I see it as my path.
But how can you love yourself if you don’t know who you are? I’m so used to writing with the word ‘you’ that I forgot the focus in a journal entry is supposed to be me.
How can I love myself if I don’t know who I am? Which leads me to the next obvious question, which is: Do I know who I am?
I’m getting to know myself and, in the process, other people are getting to know me better as well. The point I wanted to share today is that it’s okay to still be questioning who I am.
I feel like I have this memory of different movies or TV shows, that I can’t name specifically, where a couple gets into a big fight, and one of them says, “You don’t even know who you are!” Before storming out, as if it’s the most horrible thing that could be true for someone.
But how many of us really know who we are? Isn’t that what so many different fields revolve around, religion, spirituality, psychology, philosophy, etc?
For a long time, I’ve felt like this is some shameful secret I’ve been carrying, that I was a people-pleaser who could become who other people wanted me to be, but never knew who I was, and how to be true to my elusive, authentic self.
It’s true that I feel the pull at times to tell people what I know they want me to say, instead of how I truly feel. But the moment I begin to feel this pull, I make sure to say my truth.
I’m not the person I used to be, who was asleep to their true self, and unconsciously filling the role that was needed in any relationship.
I know I love coffee, reading, writing, traveling, entrepreneurship, moving slowly, hiking, one-on-one conversations, experimenting with new technology, philosophizing about where we’re all going, watching movies that make me think, listening to Fred Again, dancing, receiving massages, playing volleyball, eating delicious food (especially high-quality sushi), etc.
I also know I dislike being told to do something (especially in the form of having a boss or being somewhere with strict rules), being forced to eat quickly, talking about subjects I find boring (such as sports and fantasy), going to overstimulating, highly commercialized city areas with nothing interesting to look at, and participating in any conversation that is cynical/jaded.
One story from my childhood that my Mom told me that stuck out is when I was a kid in grade school. For months, I was one of the only kids who would dress up in a very nice button-up t-shirt every day. Then, on photo day, I begged my Mom to let me wear one of the worst t-shirts I owned, filled with many holes.
As a former mentor described me when I was an undergraduate at Penn State, I have to steer my own ship. I agree with him. Anyway, I’m getting off track now.
My point is, I’m still working on getting to know myself, and I don’t think that is bad at all. I had a slower start than I believe most people had, but I’m trying, and that is enough.
Love,
Eric
