Journal: Diving Below the Surface

I’m sitting in my favorite cafe, with the warm sunshine heating my face, feeling self-conscious that the many occupied tables around me are looking at me.

In front of me is my iPhone recording, on a tiny, pocket-sized tripod. What can’t be seen on the table in the video is the new book I just started reading, “The Big Leap.”

I didn’t want to write this late morning. I was feeling resistance, and instead, wanted to read more of this book. But I know I’ve committed myself to writing a daily journal entry, so here we are.

I believe someone near me just took a photo of me. I’m uncomfortable. My resistance must have been from knowing that I would record myself writing, and not about the act of writing itself.

I know from Julia Cameron’s work that the key to writing is to keep the pencil moving. That is how I do all my channeled writing, and it’s how most of my journal entries have been written so far.

It’s so strange, this feeling in me that is uncomfortable from the idea that the people near me might be judging me for recording myself in this way.

I know all the things I’m supposed to tell myself. Everyone is too busy in their own thoughts and lives to pay attention to me. But that doesn’t make me feel any less uncomfortable.

My girlfriend went to enjoy a delicious strawberry croissant, and I know she’ll be back soon. I’m looking forward to her return, where I know I’ll no longer be in this uncomfortable state of feeling watched.

What I find most interesting about this journal entry is that you wouldn’t get a sense of my inner discomfort if you only saw the video. I know I wouldn’t if I saw a similar video of somebody else writing.

Maybe that is what I’m trying to say in this journal entry: that every single person has such a deeply rich inner world that can never be seen on the surface.

I know feeling nervous and self-conscious about recording myself in public doesn’t necessarily feel like a deep inner world, but it’s interesting that this entire thought and feeling process is occurring inside the mind of the person who looks so calm and peaceful on camera.

I wish there were a way to see everyone’s honest internal dialogue that they had at the time of recording their video, while I’m watching it on my Instagram feed.

There is so much more going on underneath the surface than we realize. If we want to get to the heart and essence of something, we must have the courage to go beyond the surface and dive deeper into the place where all the thoughts, feelings, and manifestations in the outer world originate.

Love,
Eric